I have been on my diet now for ten days, and I must say that I’m beginning to look quite buff. I have, of course, been exercising, jogging up and down the stairs with The Princess—not my first choice of work-out partners, but he doesn’t seem to have a health-conscious bone in his body.
My new leaner self is not, however, due to the sublime deliciousness of the menu. No. Who knew healthy food had no taste? I do like the idea of eating a good diet with, for instance, a real food substance like fish or chicken or beef as the first ingredient instead of some mysterious meat by-product. Ethnic ingredients such as ground corn meal or soy flour are chic and tasty, but sadly they are quite full of carbs, and so are verboten. My Humans, naturally wanting to provide me with only the very best, brought home some All Natural food in tiny, gourmet-style gold tins. I was literally dancing with anticipation as the first adorable can was opened and served to me in a white French custard cup. This very special, chosen-just-for-me food was the most amazingly unappetizing meal I have ever tasted. Where did the flavor go? The label listed tuna and white fish and egg. Chicken? In there! But then came brown rice and carrots and sweet potato like an army of portly carbs marching across the label. At the end were the cranberries and blueberries. Are these dessert? There were vitamins and minerals. There were even amino acid complexes. I checked every single ingredient. Where were the artificial and natural flavors? Not in there. Could this be the real secret of successful weight loss? I know my Humans mean well, but I do hope that next time they will check the labels first to make sure that flavors have been included. Surely flavors don’t have that many carbs.

Now that the New Year is not quite so new, I’ve set aside a little time to evaluate how my Resolutions are working out.

• Beef and Liver Feast is back In! On my new diet I can eat whatever I want as long as it contains lots of protein and moisture! Animal protein, that is. Tofu is not acceptable no matter how politically correct.
• When my new Yoga DVD arrives, I can take my practice to the next level.
• My last bath was tear-free for everyone, especially with my lovely new “Baby Magic” body wash.
• I did say that I wouldn’t chase The Princess, but we were only playing.
  

I think my Resolutions are coming along splendidly. But it seems that no one else in the household has made any Resolutions whatsoever. Where is the pursuit of personal growth and fulfillment? For the good of the household, I must take it upon myself to suggest some of the more obvious Resolutions needed:

1. I will be considerate of my housemates and cover up my litter box deposits.
2. I will not hog all the warm spots on the bed, especially if I have mountains of fur.
3. I will not gobble up all the table treats when the others, especially the naked ones, are not looking.
4. I will finish and bestow hand-knit sweaters on those I have promised them to.

I could think of hundreds more Resolutions that would make our household a more harmonious place to live, but these will do for a start. Perhaps if I post them near the food dishes others might see them and get the hint. Besides, now would be a good time to see what’s on the New Menu.

I went for my annual physical exam today. I got to ride in my sedan chair, which is much larger and more luxurious than her sedan chair. My Humans lined it with a fluffy cushion and sprayed the inside with a special relaxing aromatherapy scent. Everyone at the doctor’s office knows me, and they were all very happy to see me again. The doctor’s office is stylishly decorated, but those fashionable stainless steel exam tables are quite chilly to sit on. I got a shot and had my blood drawn for routine tests. Overall, I am in perfect health! Except that my doctor says I have gained weight and am too plump. I don’t see that myself, but he is the doctor. He put me on a special diet—the Catkins diet! This means I will need to consume more chicken and beef and fish, eating only the most superior of proteins available. I will be compelled to dine on more canned food and have fewer kibbles, which are loaded with carbs. At the very least, I will feel it my duty to eat bacon at every meal. On a diet like this, I will be my slender self again in no time! I guess going to the doctor can have its advantages.

It turns out that knitting is less meditative than I’d been led to believe. One has to hold the needles just so and move the yarn a certain way. How meditative is that? Having long, elegant nails does not help unless one is merely trying to show them off. Then it hardly matters what one is really doing. But when one is trying to experience Zen, all this casting on and knitting and purling can be a big distraction. I myself, like any newcomer to Eastern practice, got quite caught up in the motion of the yarn—sliding back and forth, rolling off the ball so enticingly. I wanted to run and leap and twirl around with it, snatch it with my teeth and give it a great death shake, disembowel it even. Why, I was quite beside myself! My Human Female, seeing my utter inability to concentrate in the face of these distractions, finally gave up, declaring that I’m all toes and she’d do it herself. (Well, finally!)

Now that I’ve been there and done that knitting thing, I have a few pointers:

1. Never let anyone call you a Dummy.
2. Always pick the most expensive yarn your Humans can afford.
3. Only pick colors that complement your complexion.
4. Do not let your tail fur get caught in the cast on.
5. Knitting is a learning experience.

What I’ve learned: Knitting itself might be pretty yawn-worthy, but who knew that the yarn could be so much fun?

I decided to learn to knit today, as I’ve heard that knitting is very akin to Zen, Zen being a close relative of Yoga and in the same part of the alphabet. I did glance briefly at the Knitting for Dummies book that I got for Christmas, but decided it wasn’t for me. For one thing, I am not a Dummy. Hence my lack of interest. But that’s not all. Its cover is so garishly yellow that any sense of balance and harmony inherent in the act of knitting would be quite overwhelmed by it. Besides, my Human Female also gave me a knitting lesson certificate, so who needs to go to the trouble of reading anything? Then I looked at my gift yarn. Well! I admit that I think the colors are quite nice—a pastel variegation of green, lavender, gold, and a lovely rose which would be quite fetching as a sweater against my palest-of-pink skin. But the actual yarn is furry! Is this a joke? I suppose I can use it to learn with. After all, I do need some cheap yarn for practice before I go on to my next project in alpaca or cashmere, or maybe even real pink angora! This is so exciting! I need to start that lesson right away.

Happy New Year!

I spent today helping in the kitchen. Sour dough loaves were rising on the counter. Black-eyed peas and rice with a cayenne pepper for hoppin’ John simmered on the stove, and a big pot of collards and hocks bubbled on the next burner. I got to taste-test the bacon for the hoppin’ John—crisp and salty. I wanted more, but no one offered. My Human Male made skillet cornbread to go with the pot likker. All of this simmering and baking and pouring on of hot sauce is a centuries-old Southern New Year’s ritual for bringing good luck and a large bank roll in the coming year, which my Human Male says we certainly could use. I agreed, and would gladly have assisted, but the rice and beans and collards were not to my liking. I wonder how much luck and cash some New Year’s hocks and bacon will bestow, y’all.